St. Patrick’s Day Ideas
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What do you think of this beginning?
I first wrote this story when I was 16, I’m 21 now and re-writing it to try and get it published. What do you think of the opening? This is only the first 655 words (the full chapter is over 2700 words didn’t think it would be good to post it all lol).
A piercing beep broke the early morning silence, realising that the noise was refusing to go away a young fumbled under her pillow still fighting the instinct to wake up. “Five thirty is not a time God invented for people wake up at…or even be awake.” She grumbled as her right hand continuously fumbled under the pillow for her mobile phone. Feeling frustrated she shoved herself into a sitting position and yanked the pillow off the bed hurling it across the room. There laid the culprit, pushed to the edge of the mattress hovering between the headboard and the gap. Seizing it she was about to click ‘Dismiss’ when she thought better of it and hit the ‘Snooze’ button with an irate thumb.
“Alexandra?”
“I’m sleeping!” She called out, reaching over she grabbed the discarded pillow and slammed it back onto the bed as she simultaneously yanked the duvet over her head. It was as if she believed that by simply retreating under the duvet the statement would suddenly become true.
“Then maybe you should wake up? That is unless you want the disciplinary your boss keeps threatening you with?” Alexandra jumped up from her bed and reached it in two steps. Throwing it open so she could glare at Patrick, the only other person in the flat of three who had to be up at this unfortunate hour.
“It would be worth it! Because then I would get the sack and could actually do what normal people do at this hour and sleep!”
“Whoa, take a breath. Someone’s a grouch –”
“Someone didn’t sleep until two hours ago because of a certain someone’s late night antics!” Desperate to vent her frustration she moved to slam her door. At the last second she remembered Bree was still sleeping and instead closed the door softly. Sighing and rubbing her eyes vigorously she tried to get her mind to wake up. “Shower.” She whispered groggily and grabbed a towel from the bottom of her wardrobe along with a clean uniform.
“Hey! Don’t run all the hot water!” Patrick cried in an alarmed whispered and pulled a face when the reply he received was Alexandra poking her tongue out. She turned the water on so high that at first it scalded her skin. She quickly turned it down a fraction and began to wash, she needed to wake herself up – which the hot water did, but she didn’t need to give herself a third degree burn. As she washed she ignored Patrick constantly pounding on the door in an attempt to get her to hurry up – and to save him a little hot water. She really was angry at him for coming home drunk and stumbling around until he finally passed out at three am. Turning the water off completely, Alexandra reached over and grabbed the towel off a hook and quickly wrapped it around herself, her skin already breaking out in goose pimples from the cold. As she brushed her teeth she wiped the steam from the mirror and stared at reflection in the mirror. Her normally pale skin was flushed from the heat of the shower and steam and her damp hair had gone from mahogany to almost black. Forest green eyes stared back at her from the mirror; these were the most unusual things about her appearance. From the pupils sprouted an unusual pattern, a kind of clockwise spiral that you would most likely find in a cartoon of someone being hypnotised. And some people swore to her that her eyes did have that kind of effect on them, that if they stared into her eyes they’re feel themselves becoming lost. That all thoughts would leave their mind, their only concern being making her happy. Alexandra would merely laugh and roll her eyes in response. It was just a birth defect. Or at least she thought it was, she had no way of being certain.
Wow thats really good! If it gets published tell us the title… I’ll buy it!
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Your grammar needs a bit of work; there were several places that needed commas and the opening line, which has a comma, shouldn’t. Also, stay away from that much detail on the eyes. It’s a classic Mary-Sue trait- the fascinating eye color factor. You might mention they were noticeable, attractive, perhaps even strange, but DON’T, I repeat, DON’T spend three or more sentences on it. Also try describing the hair as a mahogany brown. That way it looks less like over idealized physical coloring (another classic Mary-Sue trait) and more live a well rounded description.
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It has some nice imagery in places and with effort could be a good piece.
But you do need to work on your grammar and punctuation a bit.
Well done so far!
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